tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
