Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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