im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
