i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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