If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
