im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't want my vagina anymore.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
