Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
