Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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