he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
