There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
