Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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