im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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