I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
