I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I need a beard to bite.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
