He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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