If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
