Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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