you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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