where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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