Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
