I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize