My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
