you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
