I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
