my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
They have beer where we have blood.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
