My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize