If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
