I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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