You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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