I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
