I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
A+ Viking dick
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize