I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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