Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
