I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
