Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
