dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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