Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
