the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize