There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize