You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
