my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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