i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
