she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
