I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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