$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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