He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize