What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
