That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
