In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
