i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
