Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
