he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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