hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
