i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
