it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
