I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
