She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
