I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
