It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
