Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
