i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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