There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
