Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
