i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
