The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
